Sunday, July 31, 2016

On my heart

This blog has been a pouring space for many things and I LOVE that.  I love to have a place to call my own, to pour out anything and everything.  I think most bloggers would confess that reader feedback or the lack of, is what keeps them from blogging.  Fear of rejection or fear of failure; it's debilitating.

So much has been on my heart the last couple of weeks.  We've been in a new city for 4.5 months and I think the accumulation of the last "weird" year is catching up to me.  Add to that, looking forward into another "weird" year, I'm starting to feel like I'm going to lose it.  My heart is constantly full of things I feel like I need to drop to my knees and pray over, but I don't have time.  I'm thankful for a Savior who prays for me, even when I fail to come to Him.

I had a plan for making friends in this new city.  I love plans.  I'm really good at making plans.  But the stinky thing about making plans is, life never goes how I plan!  I assured my daughter that I am an expert friend maker and meeting new people would be a piece of cake.  Awesome for her, she has quickly made lots of great friends.  Me?  Not so much.  What happened?  I joined the Y, the place that became my second home in Virginia.  Not a single person has talked to me there.  Two of my kids are playing basketball and non of the other parents stay for, missed the boat that the coach was a babysitter.  We're at both libraries once a week, where I have met a few women who seem like potential friend candidates.  But here's the final friend kicker in my life.  The military.  Twice in my life, I've had a friend abandon ship once they found out Ben is an officer and their husband is enlisted.  The particular base Ben is working at has a very small percentage of officers (i.e. majority of people there are enlisted), therefore, I feel like it's pointless trying to make friends in the military here because I'm pretty sure they'll just back out once they know what Ben's job is.  Which really stinks for me because I am the opposite of a military wife.  His job is his job and I am not involved in his job more than asking how his day was when he gets home.

Remember the time Julie came all the way to AZ to visit me!

 I read an encouraging article about how friendships are worth the wait.  I love how it encourages you to hold fast to the friendships you have, even if they are far away and I am so crazy thankful for my friends all over the country.  But I feel like I need friends here...and soon.  Ben is deploying next month.  I need someone to run with and someone to go get margaritas with.  I need someone to make plans with to beat this insane summer heat and someone to swap watching kiddos when we have doctors appointments.  Ugh.  I look forward to the day when I can look back and say, "Hey!  Remember when I was complaining about not having a friend and LOOK who God brought into my life!"

Then there's that whole thing called motherhood.  My kids are getting older and each day I find myself thinking "make the most of this day!!!".  I feel time moving so fast and I want to do the best I possibly can, but oh, that's right, I'm human and fail  I don't know if it's being stuck inside because we live on the surface of the sun or if I'm being lazy with parenting or if it's just that my kids are sinners, but I feel like my 3 have a big case of snotty, entitlement, big brat syndrome.  I'm stressed and they're snots and we're all falling apart.  I'm reading a book called 'Strong Mothers, Strong Sons', which is an amazing book and I've highlighted pretty much the whole thing.  One thing she says that keeps ringing in my head is, "If the mother is happy, the kids will be happy."  I know it's true and it scares me.  My attitude is everything.  My tone of voice and the way I respond, is everything.  Happiness.  Can we choose happiness?  Or is it just forced and fake if we try to be happy but aren't really happy?  Especially in light of an upcoming deployment...I need to be strong for our kids.  I need to assure them that life is okay and they are safe and taken care of and show them the blessings that come from these trials.  But inside I'm thinking, "I'm not sure I can do this.  I'm just really not sure I can do this alone."

Entitled kid #1 taking a selfie at her birthday dinner

Basketball moms here pass out bags of candy for after-game snacks.  Not an understatement.  Giant bags full of candy.  And it makes me angry.

School, school, school.  We have 2 more weeks of this year and I couldn't tell you when we are starting back up because the date of Ben's deployment keeps changing and I don't know how to plan around that.  We'll be finishing school as everyone is going back to school and that feels really weird.  I feel like I need someone to come hold my hand through deciding what curriculum to use for our next year and it overwhelms me that no one else is in my boat of schooling.  97% of homeschoolers I know do Classical Conversations, 2% do K12 (which is a whole other page on my feelings on that) and 2% do boxed curriculum.  I don't know anyone else who does year round school and I don't know anyone who "modge podge's" curriculum.  AND I'm feeling very behind on my kids extra curriculars.  I really wanted to start music lessons a year ago!  Added to that, the kids don't really want music lessons which I don't get at all.  They have grown up in a house full of instruments and a variety of music, yet have no interest in it.

There have to be other women out there who have been in these shoes.  Or maybe there's someone coming in these shoes and needs a voice.  I don't know.  I do know that one thing that does help that happiness issue is writing.  It's an outlet and always makes me feel better.  Therefore, I will write.

To the mom out there who is feeling overwhelmed by the issues on her heart, I'm there with you.  You are not alone.