Thursday, March 12, 2015

What if...

I laid in the middle of our hallway, in between the doorways of my boys' rooms.  I had made a bed out of our extra couch cushions and I was oh so thankful I kept those annoying suckers we thought were useless.  I was going on 3 nights of no sleep and had lost count of how many puke episodes I had cleaned.  With each little noise I heard, I jumped and ran.  Not just rolled over and listened; no, big jumps with sprints.  It was like high intensity interval training for 3 days.  I was exhausted and weary.    I felt like I was laying at the bottom of an empty barrel and asked God to fill it up with His strength. There's a funny thing about being in emptiness; there's a mourning that you there, yet a beauty in the simplicity.  In that moment, I was utterly dependent on God to fill my barrel, but was able to hear Him clearer than ever (after 3 colicky babies, I've learned that I always hear God the clearest in those wee hours of the night).

Oddly enough, I found myself praying for the mommas of kids with cancer.  I can't imagine that burden, but it made me wonder if perhaps I don't even know what true tiredness is.  I bet they would do anything to be in my shoes; to be caring for a bug that will pass within a couple of days and can be cured with chicken noodle soup and crackers.  My heart ached for those mommas.

I laid there thinking over the last few months in our home; of the things that have stressed me out and consumed me.  I heard the Lord ask me, "What if?"

What if it wasn't a big deal that the kids are sick?
   So they literally just puked all over you?  Breath through your mouth, smile and care for them.
What if it didn't matter what mood the kids were in or how much they learned in a week or if they ate the dinner I put in front of them?
What if all of my attention was not consumed with being mom?

I heard him say "Your priorities are off Jen.  Be my child first, a wife second and a mother third."

What if I was a wife before being a mom?

Honestly, I don't even know what that looks like.  I'm pretty sure since the day Princess P was born, I've let her take priority.  Kids try to demand it and it's easy to let their cries and screams and requests consume you.

I told Hubs the next day about my revelation and he kinda chuckled at me, simply because it came at such ironic timing.  In that moment, our kids truly needed to be a priority.  It's kind of hard to ignore lots of stinky vomit.  And even as we were talking, we were interrupted by all 3 kids.  I can't tell you how many times during those sick days I heard, "Momma!  I NEED you!".

Celebrating everyone healthy again!

It was still freeing.  I felt so much peace...and some regret for how things have been.  No wonder everything has seemed like such a huge deal.  It's all I've been looking at!  I've been looking down at my kids, like under a microscope, so all the little things seem like huge things.  When I looked up at God and looked at my Hubs in front of my, the little things were put in perspective.  They were simply that, little.  Yes, they need to be cared for and loved on, but not put on a pedestal.  I could see how a simple heart change could change so much more in our family.  Perhaps it will mean that I will be less stressed about stupid stuff.  Perhaps it will mean the kids feel more loved and accepted.  Perhaps, they will see how to love a spouse and an example of marriage that they want to follow.

The bug is gone, PRAISE THE LORD, and it's left me wondering:

What if I put in a fraction of my energy into my marriage, as I do in being a mom?

What if I watched a show with Hubs after the kids were in bed, even if I hated the show and just wanted to go to bed?

What if I budgeted for a regular babysitter and planned dates?

Step 1= running together on Hubs birthday.  His last long run before his half marathon...really wanted to just volunteer a foot rub. 

What if I die on this long run and this whole revelation goes to waste?  Someone please remind my Hubs of how many miles I'd run before this long run (i.e. a grand total of 10 in the last month) and to always remember my sacrifice.

1 comment:

  1. You obviously survived the run ;-)

    Time invested with the Lord and your husband will have an enormous impact on your kids. Even if they don't recognize it now, they see it and they will understand it when they're older. We've got 18 months left with our girl at home full time (now sure how that happened so quickly!) and I can honestly say I'm glad I didn't consistently put her first. God and my husband will be there long after she's flown the coop!